When a child runs away, it is like a punch in the nose, a shocking message that says, “You’re such a lousy parent, I don’t even want to live with you.” The child perceives the world away from home as a source of freedom, a carefree playground. Yet most teenagers who run away stay close to home and come back on their own.

The first time one boy ran away was “when he was eight years old. We found him hours later in a neighbor’s backyard,” his mother remembers. When he was a teenager, he climbed out a window and took off with two drug-using friends. That night he’d rebelled against his curfew and shouted, “I’m not going to live by your rules.” Many of the warning signs that a child may run away are the same as those of drug use, and the two often go together.

We didn’t recognize the running away as a message,” says his mother. “But we should have known then that he wasn’t just smoking pot occasionally as we thought.”

What should you do if your child runs away and does not come back promptly? After you have checked with friends, neighbors, and relatives, a private detective with experience in tracing missing persons suggests that you:

? Report the child missing to the police.
? Provide a recent photo, names of his friends and relatives, and a list of his favorite activities.
? Make an inventory of things he may have taken with him, such as clothing, a bank account book, charge account cards, credit cards, or articles of value.
? Check the youngster’s correspondence for leads.

It is important that you use any opening, such as a phone call from the child, or from a friend, or from a staff member at a shelter, to persuade your child to come home voluntarily. The runaway who is most likely to harbor long-lasting resentments and to run away again is the one who is picked up by the police and forcibly returned home.

Chronic runaways are a special problem. If they are involved with drugs or alcohol, they are not only frightened, confused, and guilt-ridden, but they get to the point where they can no longer face their parents, and they ‘split.” Some go so far as to contemplate suicide. Some of the families of these youngsters have set impossibly high standards without helping their children achieve the independence and maturity they need. Sometimes the children have been subjected to physical or sexual abuse and are particularly vulnerable to pimps and others who appear to offer protection of affection.

One runaway, sixteen-year-old Polly, had been in and out of counseling for two years. She would smoke pot, feel ashamed, and go back into treatment. But sometimes she felt like such a failure she simply got stoned and hit the road. Her parents were frantic. They wouldn’t leave the apartment for fear Polly might call or the police might arrive with bad news.

One time Polly ran away and called her parents for money for a plane ticket. They were so relieved, they sent the money immediately, but instead of coming home she used it to buy more drugs. Finally she ended up in jail. That time her parents let her spend two days and nights there. Then they sent her a prepaid, nonredeemable bus ticket, and Poly arrived home. Despite the chance that you will be conned, it would be foolhardy of you to ignore your child’s pleas. With help from the police, social service agencies, and a ticket—no money—you have a way and some power to get your child home.

If you hear nothing and searching does not help, all you can do is hope. Sometimes distance and time can help a child rediscover the strength of family ties and come home. When your runaway does return, it may be hard for all of you to talk about what has just happened. Sometimes a cooling-off period with the child staying someplace else for a while can provide healing time. Later, you can start to deal with the drug abuse and other problems that the running away signaled so vividly.