Some parents prepare to deal with their own children by recalling how they were treated by their parents and what their feelings were on the subject of drugs and drinking. First you can consider how they spoke to you, what they expected of you, how much they trusted you, and the degree to which you were consulted when it came to family decision-making. You may also be able to remember how you felt about your parents when they were setting limits or treating you in ways that you felt were unfair and frightening.

They may have set curfews earlier than those of your friends. They may have threatened you with harsh punishments. Sometimes they followed through on those threats. A woman remembers the time her father pulled his belt out of its loops and hit her across the back. From that day on she lived in fear of his power and bursts of anger.

If you parents were (or are) heavy drug users of drinkers, there are some special concerns that you must have. Their erratic behavior did not provide a model of good parenting. There were probably unshared family secrets. You will need to learn how to share them with your own children and keep the lines open between family members. And there was probably a lot of fighting, which is not a helpful approach when you are trying to deal effectively and rationally with your own children’s drug and alcohol use.

If your parents didn’t talk to you but only gave directions—“Pick up your clothing”; “Empty the garbage”; “Stop picking your pimples”—you know that those commands did not lead to interchanges but brought conversation to a grinding halt. You ay have had very little practice in family dialogue.

Even when a child does talk about what goes on, there are certain peer rules that may differ from those of the child’s parents. You may expect the truth, but a child may face ostracism if he or she “tells” on a friend. So what seems like a simple question about the party Friday night may really raise complex ethical or moral conflicts. The child may have to ask himself, “Do I squeal on my friends? Do I change the subject and cover it up? Do I misrepresent the truth? If I talk about what I did, not what others did, will my parents understand?”

Young people are often left in limbo, particularly if they feel they can’t count on their parents. One of the goals you will achieve by keeping the lines of communication open is a sense of trust between family members that will go a long way toward helping your children make decisions for themselves that will make sense to you. Whatever comes out in a conversation, a child has to know that talking isn’t the end of loving, or of hoping that things can be better.