Myths have grown out of the sixties experience. One of them is that if you don’t talk about it, it will go away. Another is that if you do talk about it, it will be okay. A bewildered mother who believed this, and whose son became seriously involved with cocaine, kept repeating, “But we communicate. We talked a lot. I don’t understand ho this could have happened.”

Another myth is that information about drugs and alcohol will give youngsters all they need to resist the pressure to use illicit substances. Of course, a parent has to give children the facts to counteract the misinformation they pick up from their friends. But research has shown that isn’t enough. A parent’s example and practical ways of dealing with the everyday world have to be part of the equation. The conversation must include how to say no and how to resist peer pressure.

What is a fifth-grader going to say when someone he’s known since kindergarten offers him a puff in the boy’s room? What’s fifteen-year-old girl going to say when she believes that her popularity depends on joining a cigarette “break” on the fire escape? How can a father say with conviction, “You don’t have to do what everyone’s doing,” as he regularly pours his predinner drink and chain-smokes? Parents are models for their children. At the very least they must explain that there are behaviors that may be appropriate for adults but are not acceptable for adolescents. And they need to be able to explain why that is so.

Parents also can help their children learn ways to say no to alcohol and drugs comfortably. You might suggest that they say, “No, thanks, I have other things to do today”; “No, thanks, I’ve got to be with it”; “No, thanks, I usually end up embarrassing myself.”

It may all come down to the advice Dr. Mitchell Rosenthal, president of Phoenix House, a pioneering drug treatment facility, gives parents: “It’s foolish to scare . . . and essential to prepare.” If you warn your child, “Smoke a joint and you will grow up to be an addict,” he or she will stop listening. This contradicts his day-to-day experience and that of his friends. Besides, it is an exaggerated statement of what is known about “gateway” or starter drugs and what their use can lead to. Most youngsters never go on to other illicit drugs after they try marijuana. With teenagers, you can focus on a risk you both recognize: “Drinking or smoking pot and driving don’t mix. Your reflexes aren’t what they should be, you can’t judge distance very well, and you can fool yourself into feeling you’re driving better than you really are.” Deaths on the highway are very much a part of their own experience. As for cigarette smoking, you can focus on the unpleasant reality that smokers’ teeth turn yellow, their cloths smell awful, and they develop annoying hacking coughs.