Most parents have not practiced talking to their children about touchy subjects, and the use of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs is among the touchiest. It’s easy to talk about the weather. It’s easy to talk about the home team. It’s even easy to talk about taking turns or caring for pets. But when parents and children come to talk to one another about emotionally charged subjects, it is not easy at all. The awkwardness inherent in these situations was highlighted in the recent move The Ice Storm, when a father tells his teenage son, “If you’re worried about anything at all, just feel free to ask. And we’ll, uh, look it up.” Parents are so uncomfortable with the subject of drugs, according to Dr. Lloyd D. Johnson, director of the University of Michigan’s Monitoring the Future stud, that they are even less likely to talk about the problem now than in the past.

The whole family must understand that drinking, smoking, using drugs, and many other adolescent behaviors are subjects for discussion, not confrontation, and, above all, they are not to be hidden. Families must also understand that, in the words of Dr. Kenneth Schonberg, director of the division of adolescent medicine at Montefiore Hospital in New York, “it is the inalienable right of parents to worry about their children.”

This concern plays a part in blocking forthright communication. Fear is often disguised as anger and is expressed at full volume, shutting off any potential dialogue. One mother recalled the time her child ran out into the street. She was terrified, but her first reaction was unadulterated fury, and she immediately hit the child in response to her own fear. A few minutes later there were hugs and tears all around.

Another thing that shuts off dialogue is giving mixed messages. One drug counselor says that when she was growing up her parents told her, “You can talk to us about anything,” then added by their unspoken attitudes, “But don’t tell us you’re pregnant and don’t tell us you’re using drugs.”

Communication quickly shuts down under other circumstances, too. Sarcasm is a sure block. “Don’t try to fool me—I know what you’re up to” will put a halt to conversation. So will playing the martyr, saying, “Look what you’re doing to us,” And if a child does start to tell you about drug use or other forbidden behavior, you can be sure the confidences will end if you break in with “that’s disgusting” or some other sign of shock of disapproval. This doesn’t mean you have to accept everything your child says and does without criticism. It does mean that you have to wait until the child has finished and then say what you think as calmly and as clearly as you possibly can.

An overeager parent who is committed to “communicating” can also shut off confidences by going too far and too fast. The mother of a teenage daughter who was a favorite with the boys in her school suddenly asked her one Sunday morning, “Do you like being kissed?” When the answer was vague, the mother went on, “How does it feel? Or don’t you kiss boys?” With such an onslaught, the daughter understandably disappeared upstairs and didn’t come down until lunchtime. With this kind of intrusion, a child will back off and the door between parent and child will be closed. When the subject is drugs, the door may be slammed even more rapidly and closed more tightly.