In addition to brothers and sisters, other people come into the picture. Grandparents can be very shocked when they learn that an adored grandchild is smoking cigarettes or using drugs. You have to tread easily with these older people, but they often need to know the truth even though they may file it away in a part of the brain that doesn’t get looked at often.

One woman said the most difficult time for her was a Christmas celebration at her parents’ house that had traditionally involved wine for everyone. Her daughter had recently been discharged after three months in a rehabilitation facility, and there was to be no alcohol in any place she visited. The woman was faced with telling her own mother that this year they would all have to forgo the wine in deference to the girl’s needs. The mother was ashamed of what had happened to her daughter and had been tempted to keep up the denial until her daughter made it clear she would not come to dinner unless her grandmother was informed. You may be tempted to take the seemingly easy, silent way out with other relatives, too, but it is often not the best way.

Then there are friends and neighbors who will be curious. “Where’s Danny these days?” “Where does Mary go? We don’t see her around anymore.”

Whether you are dealing with grandparents, other relatives, friends, or neighbors, those who work with drug- and alcohol-abusing youngsters say you should:

? Be honest—or at least as honest as you can be. One woman didn’t tell her ninety-year-old mother who lived in another town “because it would destroy her.” But if there are no health restrictions, openness is best. For family sanity, the more the broad outlines are known, the easier it will be. Says a California mother, “I’m handling my parents the same way I handle my friends. I find the more open I am, the more responsive they are.”
? Be clear that help (if asked for) is welcome, but interference is not.
? Be prepared for a rocky shakedown period. Some people will be understanding, some will not. A woman told a dinner-table companion about her son and was told, “If he was my son, I’d bash his head through the wall.” You will discover who stands by you in adversity.
? Be proud if your child is going for help. If you are ashamed, how can your child feel good about the difficult, constructive steps he is taking?

Even if your child is not in treatment, your openness can make a difference. Relatives who know what’s going on can be valuable backups. As one couple literally pushed their son out the door after he had repeatedly refused to stop using drugs, they said, “You can’t come home. But you can call Uncle George.” Then they changed the locks on the front door. The boy did call his uncle within a week and said he was ready for treatment. Then the uncle called the parents, saying, “Don’t be surprised and don’t yell or scream. We’re bringing him back.” The uncle had succeeded where the parents could not.

Relatives are not always this supportive. Old wounds and rivalries are sometimes reawakened when a family’s mythical view of itself is shaken. “The rest of the family does a marvelous tiptoe act,” says the mother of a drug-abusing son. Her husband is one of eight children who had an alcoholic father, “I tell my sisters-in-law that their kids have as much of a change of being hooked as mine. But they really don’t want to know.”

Grandparents, too, may deny or may use this situation as a way to continue old patterns. One mother who had always been critical of her daughter said, “How could you be such a lousy parent?” And when her grandson was in treatment, “How could you send him to that terrible place?” She was critical of her grandchild, too. There are times when it is best to stay out of firing range until you are better able to deal with attacks such as these.