Kids see drug and alcohol use as a part of being grownup. In addition, drug use and drinking are considered something to do like cruising around in a car or hanging out on a street corner. Kids also use because they want tot do what their friends do, are bored, like the way it feels, or are just curious. Some middle-class youngsters feel resentful that they’ve been sheltered and protected almost to psychic death. One of them says, “I know there’s a lot more to life than I’ve experienced. The sixties music is wonderful and they take a lot about drugs, so you begin to wonder, ‘What am I missing?’”

But youngsters who abuse drugs add other reasons to this list. Billy says he got deeply involved “because I thought my world was shit and I didn’t think much of myself, either.” He got drunk for the first time in sixth grade and by ninth grade was smoking marijuana every day and using “everything I could get my hands on.” In tenth grade he tried LSD and liked it. When his mother asked if he was “on something” he countered with the standard “How could you accuse me?” His father thought it was just a stage. Billy dropped out of his first treatment program, and swore he would never smoke again, but is finally back in treatment after his parents threatened to kick him out.

Like Billy, youngsters who use drugs as medication to counteract sadness or blot out intolerable home situations are more likely than others to become dependent on chemicals to get through the day. One of them says, “I have so many bad feelings that I get high because I want to feel better.” The dangerous thing about drugs is that they work—at least for a while. Dr. Rodney Skager, professor emeritus at UCLA, says they not only help kids feel better, smoothing some of the normal jagged feelings of adolescence, but they also help them feel different—more capable, more likable, more complete. During the honeymoon period, drugs seem to do all the good things they are usually guided by more practiced friends. They help the novices enjoy the experience, and shield them so they don’t see any frightening effects. Therefore, they don’t believe their parents’ warnings.

Parents are understandably reluctant to invade a child’s private space to search for evidence, fearing they will do serious damage to their relationship. But one worried mother steeled herself to read the diary her daughter had left out on her bed. She was shocked by the sexual adventures, but relieved that her daughter had resisted efforts to get her to dry “crystal meth,” an amphetamine derivative. The mother say, “I decided to risk having Kathy furious with me for a while, hoping she would eventually learn to trust me again.” Kathy stormed out of the house and stayed overnight with a friend. “It was the hardest night of my life,” her mother says. “But then she came back and we talked. She finally admitted that it was a relief that I knew what had been going on. Now she doesn’t have to lie anymore, and I don’t have to wonder what she’s hiding.”

If you’ve done everything and still feel you need to go on a search, try to get your child to join you. Surprisingly, as the head of a chemical dependency unit says, “Most times the child will give you the drugs and then the conversation can center on solutions.”

Not every child reacts in this way, however, and drug users are as ingenious as squirrels in hiding their hoard. If you have to search on our own, a police department Youth Squad detective suggests you look first in the obvious places—a workshop or garage where the youngster spends a lot of time, a rec room or the basement, and of course the child’s room. Check your kid’s closet or dresser. Extra shoes are good hiding place; so are jacket pockets and under clothing in the backs of drawers. The stuff may even be hidden in your room, since it is most unlikely you would search there. “Usually,” the detective says, “it’s in a spot the parents walk around often.”

More unusual containers for school and other drugs include stereo speakers, hardbound books that have a hole cut in the pages, stuffed animals, air-conditioner vents, freezers, and “stash cans,” which look like ordinary soft-drink containers but have removable tops and are designed to hide drugs.

Parents can also get a hint about drug usage by paying careful attention to the inscriptions on camp pictures, in yearbooks, and on school programs from dances, plays, and athletic events. What your child’s friends think is noteworthy can alert you to what has been happening. One girl’s yearbook picture was inscribed: “Remember me and all the times we got stoned together.”

The presence of incense, magazines such as High Times, and drug paraphernalia almost certainly are tip-offs. Strange-looking glass shapes may be bongs for smoking marijuana. Small pipes can be used for crack. Small pieces of screen or sink faucet sieves or bits of scouring pads can be used in homemade pipes. Cigars can be hollowed out and filled with marijuana to make “blunts,” a new favorite. One mother found a razor blade stuck in a candle in her son’s room and learned later that the blade was a standard tool for cutting clumps of cocaine and placing the powder into lines to be sniffed.

If you find seeds, powder, or pills you can’t identify, or something you think might be used to take a drug, you might take it to your local police department or youth bureau. Many of them can do simple tests immediately, or they can send the substance away to be analyzed. Policemen and counselors who work with youngsters can also often identify the more common paraphernalia by sight.

The naivete of parents can be astounding, whether they are faced with unfamiliar paraphernalia, physical symptoms, or the evidence of their own eyes. Parents even miss signals the kids themselves are trying to give them. “He was trying to give us a message,” says the mother of a boy who used everything from alcohol to LSD. He told his parents to watch a TV movie about a girl who was addicted to drugs, swore again and again to stop, and finally died. They wondered why he was so insistent, but didn’t connect those events with his experiences. Now that he’s been in treatment, they know—“That was his life, too.”

For one thing, divorce has become a way of life, placing extra burdens on single mothers. For another, mothers, divorced or not, are out of the house and in the workplace in great numbers alongside fathers.

We are also still living with the legacies of the sixties. These include:

? The Vietnam War and its residue of conscientious resistance to laws viewed as unfair
? The notion that patents and children should be friends and equals
? The social acceptability of drug use
? The idea that individual rights take precedence over social controls

As Dr. Mitchell Rosenthal, president of Phoenix House, a leading drug treatment center in New York, points our, “Too many Americans are torn between the urge to condemn behavior of which they disapprove and the need to tolerate what they have somehow come to believe is not a matter of their business.”

Society no longer provides an automatic backup for a parent’s prohibitions. There is no clear social message. There is not even a clear medical message. Earlier reports about marijuana and its dangers were ambiguous, but the American Academy of Pediatrics now says, “The seriousness of the behavioral consequences of marijuana use is sufficient to cause great concern and prompt the pediatrician to counsel young people against any use of the drug.” Marijuana was once thought to be nonaddictive, unlike other moodaltering drugs. James McBride, author of the best-selling book The Color of Water, remembers telling his friends when he was a pot-smoking teenager, “ ‘ You can’t get hooked on reefer . . . I can stop any time I want.’ But deep inside I knew I was hooked.” A study sponsored by the National Institute on Drug Abuse now confirms what he knew: Heavy marijuana smoking can lead to addiction, despite the fact that there are no abrupt withdrawal symptoms as there are with other drugs. Although this finding has been disputed, in 1996, marijuana was the number-one drug for almost two-thirds of the teenagers in treatment at the Pennsylvania-based Caron Foundation. Most authorities agree that for adolescents and preadolescents any marijuana smoking is hazardous. But youngsters focus on the conflicting reports and avoid looking at the latest information.

The messages regarding alcohol are also mixed. Parents may find themselves feeling uncomfortably out of step with the rest of the world if they say no. many adults see beginning to drink as a rite of passage and moderate alcohol use as an integral part of their own lives.

The parents of some high school seniors in a New York suburb condoned a beer blast during school hours to celebrate the end of the year—and even bought the kegs for the party. Twenty students cut classes and drank at the home of one of then while the parents of that student were present. These parents, along with some others, were outraged when school officials suspended the students because classroom attendance was required—and alcohol illegal.

Parents such as these are ambivalent about alcohol use and fearful that taking a clear stand on drugs or alcohol will “destroy our relationship.” One reason they won’t risk alienating their children is that in these days of divorce, the child may reject one parent in favor of the other, more lenient one. Even when there are two parents at home, the family may have no other relatives nearby, so that children become inordinately important emotional props. Fearful of being rejected or deserted, some parents avoid taking firm or unpopular stands, and when parents abdicate, other structures act as substitutes. Cults, which offer firm rules, a father figure to admire and follow, and the certainties of community living, may owe some of their popularity to the uneasiness parents have about assuming these difficult, traditional “I’m the boss, you’re the kid” roles. To be a good parent, Ellen Morehouse, executive director of Student Assistance Services, a New York-based alcohol and drug prevention organization, says firmly, “You have to love your kids enough to let them hate you.”

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To be able to act effectively, parents should be aware of the legal background behind what the school may and may not do. Local and state regulations differ, but there are some federal rules that apply to all schools:

? It is a federal crime to sell drugs in or near a public or private school.
? Schools can make unannounced searches of lockers, rest rooms, and “smoking areas,” particularly if school policy on these matters was written and distributed at the start of the school year.
? Schools may, under certain circumstances, search students and their lockers with less stringent requirements than the police are required to use, but must still follow “reasonable guidelines.” The legality of the search may depend on the reason for it and how intrusive it is.
? Student athletes may be required to submit to random drug testing.
? Schools may expel or discipline a student without waiting for the outcome of court proceedings.
? If the school wants to suspend a child for a short time because of behavior related to drug or alcohol use, the child and his parents have the right to know the charges and what evidence the school has, and to present their side of the story and question witnesses at an informal conference.
? If the suspension is for a longer time, a formal hearing must be held, with an impartial person hearing the charges and the opportunity for cross-examination of witnesses. (In some states, if your child is suspended for more than ten days and is too young to be finished with school legally, an alternative education must be provided.)

Private schools, too, must follow these rules. In some, the policy is that a child caught with drugs or alcohol should have a second chance and should not be expelled. But as one headmaster put it, “We think he should have a second chance—but at another school.”

Several gray areas still exist. One is the responsibility of schools to alert parents if they suspect drug use or if the child seems seriously depressed. In the matter of drug testing of students, too, the verdict is not yet in. The Supreme Court ruled in 1995 that student athletes could be required to submit to random tests, but did not address the question of testing for other students. One major school district did not wait for definitive answers. Routine drug raids at football games that turned up drug vials and led to arrests galvanized the Dade County school system is Florida to institute a six-month pilot program of random drug testing—with parental permission—of all students. Questions have been raised about the possible violation of civil liberties, but it is still too early to know if an avalanche of lawsuits will result. One board member defended the program by saying, “The invasion of privacy is minimal in contrast to the benefit we gain in deterring drug use. Why not do everything we can?”

Parents as well as students have certain rights. If your child is having trouble in school and you feel he or she is not being treated fairly, you have the right to inspect school records and to have a hearing to correct what you think are inaccuracies. Sometimes this right presents school personnel with a dilemma. Does a counselor who is seeing your child have to tell all? Some guidance programs sidestep this privacy question by using informal notes, rather than formal records. These notes do not have to be revealed. This shutting out is hard to accept but may be necessary if your child is to continue to rust the person who is treating him or her.

In order to release records to another person or agency, your written permission or that of the student may be required. Confidentiality also applies if your child is or has been in treatment, and if information is requested by the police. What a teacher or other school employee sees and hears, however, is not part of the formal record and therefore is not protected against disclosure. For instance, if a teacher sees a girl pass a joint of marijuana to another girl in the lunchroom, the teacher may tell the police. Evidence gathered if a student’s purse or pockets are searched may also be turned over.

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They may have set curfews earlier than those of your friends. They may have threatened you with harsh punishments. Sometimes they followed through on those threats. A woman remembers the time her father pulled his belt out of its loops and hit her across the back. From that day on she lived in fear of his power and bursts of anger.

If you parents were (or are) heavy drug users of drinkers, there are some special concerns that you must have. Their erratic behavior did not provide a model of good parenting. There were probably unshared family secrets. You will need to learn how to share them with your own children and keep the lines open between family members. And there was probably a lot of fighting, which is not a helpful approach when you are trying to deal effectively and rationally with your own children’s drug and alcohol use.

If your parents didn’t talk to you but only gave directions—“Pick up your clothing”; “Empty the garbage”; “Stop picking your pimples”—you know that those commands did not lead to interchanges but brought conversation to a grinding halt. You ay have had very little practice in family dialogue.

Even when a child does talk about what goes on, there are certain peer rules that may differ from those of the child’s parents. You may expect the truth, but a child may face ostracism if he or she “tells” on a friend. So what seems like a simple question about the party Friday night may really raise complex ethical or moral conflicts. The child may have to ask himself, “Do I squeal on my friends? Do I change the subject and cover it up? Do I misrepresent the truth? If I talk about what I did, not what others did, will my parents understand?”

Young people are often left in limbo, particularly if they feel they can’t count on their parents. One of the goals you will achieve by keeping the lines of communication open is a sense of trust between family members that will go a long way toward helping your children make decisions for themselves that will make sense to you. Whatever comes out in a conversation, a child has to know that talking isn’t the end of loving, or of hoping that things can be better.

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Mothers most often take the blame, the unbearable pain, and the guilt on themselves, while fathers and experts have often supported and intensified the mother’s own self-criticism. Says one psychotherapist, “There’s been a conspiracy in psychiatry, ‘Hang the mother,’ It’s our version of witch hunting.”

In recent years, a more realistic attitude has been taking hold, with the realization that fathers, too, have an enormous impact. Fathers are now routinely invited into delivery rooms to hold their newborn babies and bond with them. They are also being criticized for focusing their energies on their careers and neglecting their children’s need for emotional as well as financial support.

Despite heroic efforts, all any parent can be is what a Long Island social worker, echoing the English psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott, calls “good enough.” He says, “We all make mistakes.” A father put it more bluntly: “I screwed up as a parent and I did my best,” No matter how hard we try, at times, nothing seems to help. When our children are infants, we do our best to protect them from falling downstairs or touching a hot stove. But as they get older, our protective shield becomes less effective. Our children hook up with the wrong friends, are hurt by life’s ordinary blows, and even run away or try suicide. We feel helpless and sad when they meet the world on their own and fail—by our standards and by theirs, too. Religion can be a steadying force. If you are a person with strong religious convictions, you certainly should turn to your clergyman for guidance or rededication to your faith. Belief in a “higher power” is very much a part of recovery for some people. Prayer alone cannot be counted on, but it can certainly hold out hope and comfort.

Instead of assigning blame, a parent has to have the courage to say to a child, “Something did go wrong—mistakes were made and you were hurt. But we didn’t intend this to happen, and we are all victims of forces that we’re unaware of and can’t control.” It isn’t helpful to beat yourself with what a mother called the “if only” whip—“If only I had stayed home more.” “If only my husband hadn’t lost his temper so often.” “If only we had gotten her into treatment the minute we suspected.”

Yet it is only natural that you should feel disappointed in your child and in yourself when things don’t go smoothly. The mother of a twenty-two-year-old man says, “I couldn’t understand what had happened to me and to my child, who was so full of promise. He was such a great little kid.” Youngsters who start using drugs are not all failures; some are honor students and star athletes, so the loss of what might have been is stunning. The discrepancy is often beyond understanding.

When a child becomes deeply involved with alcohol and drugs, parents go through a period of mourning for what was and what could have been. “I look at old pictures, old letters, and cry for the child he was,” said the mother of a heroin addict. “The loss of the dream is a horror.”

Sometimes the dream is only deferred until recovery moves life back into its earlier pattern. But sometimes the child will never fulfill that early promise. “Nothing can be more hurtful than to see a child going through this,” says one mother. “Something in me thought it was just a stage and how would be a normal kid again. The irrational part of me still thinks he will come out of it. But then I realize he will always be damaged.”

“I felt so horrible,” the father of a boy who had used “The whole smorgasbord of drugs” recalls, “that I wished he would die somehow and we could bury him and avoid the shame and struggle of having to deal with it. I guess that’s what you call guilt.”

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Psychotherapy and counseling are usually provided in a clinic or mental health center or by a private practitioner. The therapist is usually a psychiatrist, psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, credentialed alcoholism counselor, drug abuse counselor, or pastoral counselor. Talking about personal problems on a one-to-one basis is the crux of this treatment method, which may also offer other services such as peer groups and family therapy.

Finding the right counselor is vital. To assess one, you should know:

? What kind of formal training the counselor has; how much and what kind of experience he or she has had with chemically dependent people. (If the therapist has the basic tools and is honest and caring, the professional label is not of great importance.)
? Whether this person insists on no drug or alcohol use during treatment. (There is general agreement that abstinence is essential, but no agreement on giving up cigarettes simultaneously.)
? What knowledge the counselor has of self-help programs.
? How he or she views adolescent drug use. Authorities agree that anything beyond fleeting experimentation should be taken seriously.
? If you are comfortable with this person and if you think your child will be.
? If you can ask questions without feeling that you are an overanxious parent.
? Whether you will have regular meetings with your child’s therapist or counselor to discuss what progress is being made, how he or she sees your child’s problem, and what the long-term treatment plans and prognosis are. You have a right to know what you’re paying for—not the details, but the general outline.

If the first person you interview doesn’t seem right, keep trying.

Sometimes finding the right person in as much a matter of luck as of sophisticated choice-making. When one mother finally cajoled her son into accompanying her to a psychologist’s office, the man pulled a form from his top drawer and, looking down at the page, asked, “Birth weight?” Mother and son knew immediately they were in the wrong place. The next person they saw was a youth advocate whose storefront office was part of a community outreach program. The worker was not much older than hi client, had been through a drug treatment program, and was clearly familiar with this kind of kid.

All-day treatment centers and alternative day school operate from early morning to evening and provide, a highly structured environment that includes school, chores, peer counseling, and individual counseling. The youngsters are taken out of their usual daily environment and go home only to sleep. The staff is made up largely of recovering alcohol and drug abusers, who are often supervised by mental health professionals. Family participation is an important part of the program, and those who are often supervised by mental health professionals. Family participation is an important par of the program, and those who graduate from day treatment usually attend aftercare programs there so that they aren’t abruptly attend aftercare programs there so that they aren’t abruptly thrown back into the outside world. Youngsters are often in treatment for a year or more.

After-school programs are designed to catch the drug use before it gets too bad. These use confrontational techniques, peer pressure, family participation, and other techniques to help a child stay in his or her regular school setting.

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Here’s how you can tell what’s really going on:

1. Listen to your kids when they talk to you and when they talk to their friends. You don’t have to be a spy—just stay alert. If after every weekend you hear jokes about who was “smashed,” you know there’s a lot of drinking going on. One boy just happened to pick up the extension when his fifteen-year-old older brother was on the phone planning an afternoon at a friend’s house. “Bring some booze—we’re all out” is what he heard. The older boy said he couldn’t get anything from the liquor cabinet because too many people were around. The younger boy told his mother. (Whether he should have or not is a decision each family has to make.) She picked her older son up earlier than planned, and talked with him calmly about what his friends were doing. She’d had no idea before this that they spent Saturday afternoon drinking.
2. Read your local, school, and college papers if they’re available. From news stories, letters to the editor, even cartoons, you will find out what’s happening. Be sensitive to what is not completely spelled out. After the son of the 1984 vice-presidential nominee Geraldine Ferraro was arrested for possession of and intent to sell cocaine, reporters learned that his fellow college students had been suspicious for a long time. The April Fool edition of the college newspaper had carried a mock advertisement with a picture of the young man and the line “My mom may drink Pepsi [Ferraro had done a Pepsi commercial] but I like Coke.” Below this was “Changing in line with the times.” College officials seemed neither to notice not to understand the reference. It was easier and more comfortable to avoid facing the existence of drug use on campus, despite public pronouncements about official disapproval.
3. Talk to other parents. Like college officials, parents may want both to know and not to know, and trying to get information may be difficult. But it’s worth the effort. An example of how ostrich-like parents can be was revealed when the Partnership for a Drug-Free America polled children, teenagers, and their parents across the country. Only 21 percent of the parents thought their teenagers had experimented with marijuana, yet 44 percent of the teenagers said they had done so. Even though many of these parents had lived through the drug-filled sixties, they were as na?ve as parents of the past. They were unaware that marijuana use had increased, that among young people awareness of the risks of the drug decreased. (That decrease has now leveled off and, at least among eighth-graders, is even declining slightly, a hopeful sign for the future.)
4. Go to school and community meetings on the subject of alcohol and drugs, even if your kid says, “Please don’t go. You’ll embarrass me.”
5. Notice what your local stores are selling. Head shops stocked with drug paraphernalia and cigarette-rolling papers in the stationery store are a sure sign of local use. So are magazines about drugs.
6. Check the Internet for what information—and propaganda—there is about drinking and drug-making and taking. One website to look into is that for High Times, the monthly magazine about drugs. In addition, more than thirty-five alcohol brands have their own websites. As for tobacco, more than fifty websites praise the wonders of smoking for women. Chances are your kids have found one or more of these sites.
7. Keep your eyes open at parties in the neighborhood or at your house. If you see volunteers overeager to clean up afterward (to remove signs of smoking or drinking from the back lawn or the family room), be suspicious. Awareness is the first step toward doing something about your child’s exposure to alcohol and other drugs.

Statistically speaking, the occasional social use of alcohol and marijuana is “normal” in the later years of high school, but here, too, you have to make an individual judgment. If a child seventeen or eighteen years old smokes pot at a party once a month, maintains good grades, and gets along well at home and with friends, you can and should express concern about the risks of such behavior, but the child is not an addict.

A Washington, D.C., drug counselor developed her own simple scale for assessing where a child fits on the continuum of use and abuse. “If a kid goes outside with friends after school to smoke and then goes home, that’s use,” she decided. “It becomes abuse if he uses after school, goes home, then goes out again to use. It is addiction if he uses before school, at his lunch break, after school, and in the evening—if he has to have it.”

More formally the steps toward addiction have been characterized as:

1. Exploration. Teenagers are curious about the world around them. They also go to great lengths to avoid being called a nerd, so they give it a try.
2. Learning the mood swing. If they use more regularly, they soon know what it feels like to be high.
3. Seeking the mood swing. The child is attached to a feeling he can count on rather than the particular drug. Use escalates to the point where he may be using at weekend long parties as well as hoarding a supply at home.
4. Preoccupation with getting the drug and getting high. Youngsters drink to get drunk rather than to have a good time, moving from anticipation to obsession. They plan when, where, and how to use the substance. Finally, they may use it alone, in their rooms, “and that’s the loneliest feeling of all,” says one boy.
5. Needing the substance to feel normal. This is chemical dependency.

Adolescents tend to develop addiction more rapidly than adults. Some teenagers become alcoholics within six months of their first drink. Not ever young person who drinks heavily, though, is going to become dependent on alcohol. Studies show that as they get older, their drinking often drops off. Marriage is the great stabilizer, and tends to lower drug use as well as drinking.

Many myths surround the definition of addiction. A few years ago, only those drugs that frequently produce physical dependence—heroin, sedatives, alcohol, and cigarettes—were considered addictive. People could say, “I don’t use every day. I don’t get withdrawal symptoms when I stop,” and convince themselves and those around them that they were not hooked. But now doctors emphasize psychological and behavioral patterns in their definition, even without physical dependence. These patterns include:

? Loss of control
? Craving and compulsion
? Continued use, despite physical and behavioral problems or a wish to stop
? A tendency to deny that a drug problem exists

Says Dr. Arnold Washton, cofounder of the 800 COCAINE Hotline, “If they’re hungover in school, their girlfriend or boyfriend is worried, their parents are angry, and they still want to maintain they’re not addicted . . . they’re in trouble.”

Parents’ responses can be a barometer of a child’s problem with drugs. Dr. Donald Ian MacDonald, formerly head of the Alcohol, Drug Abuse and Mental Health Administration and father of a boy who went through drug abuse treatment, say, “I ask the mother when she last had a good night’s sleep, and if she starts crying, I know her kid is in difficulty.”

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The first time one boy ran away was “when he was eight years old. We found him hours later in a neighbor’s backyard,” his mother remembers. When he was a teenager, he climbed out a window and took off with two drug-using friends. That night he’d rebelled against his curfew and shouted, “I’m not going to live by your rules.” Many of the warning signs that a child may run away are the same as those of drug use, and the two often go together.

We didn’t recognize the running away as a message,” says his mother. “But we should have known then that he wasn’t just smoking pot occasionally as we thought.”

What should you do if your child runs away and does not come back promptly? After you have checked with friends, neighbors, and relatives, a private detective with experience in tracing missing persons suggests that you:

? Report the child missing to the police.
? Provide a recent photo, names of his friends and relatives, and a list of his favorite activities.
? Make an inventory of things he may have taken with him, such as clothing, a bank account book, charge account cards, credit cards, or articles of value.
? Check the youngster’s correspondence for leads.

It is important that you use any opening, such as a phone call from the child, or from a friend, or from a staff member at a shelter, to persuade your child to come home voluntarily. The runaway who is most likely to harbor long-lasting resentments and to run away again is the one who is picked up by the police and forcibly returned home.

Chronic runaways are a special problem. If they are involved with drugs or alcohol, they are not only frightened, confused, and guilt-ridden, but they get to the point where they can no longer face their parents, and they ‘split.” Some go so far as to contemplate suicide. Some of the families of these youngsters have set impossibly high standards without helping their children achieve the independence and maturity they need. Sometimes the children have been subjected to physical or sexual abuse and are particularly vulnerable to pimps and others who appear to offer protection of affection.

One runaway, sixteen-year-old Polly, had been in and out of counseling for two years. She would smoke pot, feel ashamed, and go back into treatment. But sometimes she felt like such a failure she simply got stoned and hit the road. Her parents were frantic. They wouldn’t leave the apartment for fear Polly might call or the police might arrive with bad news.

One time Polly ran away and called her parents for money for a plane ticket. They were so relieved, they sent the money immediately, but instead of coming home she used it to buy more drugs. Finally she ended up in jail. That time her parents let her spend two days and nights there. Then they sent her a prepaid, nonredeemable bus ticket, and Poly arrived home. Despite the chance that you will be conned, it would be foolhardy of you to ignore your child’s pleas. With help from the police, social service agencies, and a ticket—no money—you have a way and some power to get your child home.

If you hear nothing and searching does not help, all you can do is hope. Sometimes distance and time can help a child rediscover the strength of family ties and come home. When your runaway does return, it may be hard for all of you to talk about what has just happened. Sometimes a cooling-off period with the child staying someplace else for a while can provide healing time. Later, you can start to deal with the drug abuse and other problems that the running away signaled so vividly.

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Another myth is that information about drugs and alcohol will give youngsters all they need to resist the pressure to use illicit substances. Of course, a parent has to give children the facts to counteract the misinformation they pick up from their friends. But research has shown that isn’t enough. A parent’s example and practical ways of dealing with the everyday world have to be part of the equation. The conversation must include how to say no and how to resist peer pressure.

What is a fifth-grader going to say when someone he’s known since kindergarten offers him a puff in the boy’s room? What’s fifteen-year-old girl going to say when she believes that her popularity depends on joining a cigarette “break” on the fire escape? How can a father say with conviction, “You don’t have to do what everyone’s doing,” as he regularly pours his predinner drink and chain-smokes? Parents are models for their children. At the very least they must explain that there are behaviors that may be appropriate for adults but are not acceptable for adolescents. And they need to be able to explain why that is so.

Parents also can help their children learn ways to say no to alcohol and drugs comfortably. You might suggest that they say, “No, thanks, I have other things to do today”; “No, thanks, I’ve got to be with it”; “No, thanks, I usually end up embarrassing myself.”

It may all come down to the advice Dr. Mitchell Rosenthal, president of Phoenix House, a pioneering drug treatment facility, gives parents: “It’s foolish to scare . . . and essential to prepare.” If you warn your child, “Smoke a joint and you will grow up to be an addict,” he or she will stop listening. This contradicts his day-to-day experience and that of his friends. Besides, it is an exaggerated statement of what is known about “gateway” or starter drugs and what their use can lead to. Most youngsters never go on to other illicit drugs after they try marijuana. With teenagers, you can focus on a risk you both recognize: “Drinking or smoking pot and driving don’t mix. Your reflexes aren’t what they should be, you can’t judge distance very well, and you can fool yourself into feeling you’re driving better than you really are.” Deaths on the highway are very much a part of their own experience. As for cigarette smoking, you can focus on the unpleasant reality that smokers’ teeth turn yellow, their cloths smell awful, and they develop annoying hacking coughs.

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When a problem reaches crisis proportions, the court can step in quickly. One family brought their fourteen-year-old son to the probation department when this alcohol and drug use and fighting at home had become unbearable. The boy was so out of control the judge swiftly sent him to the local youth shelter for the night, and the next day he was in a thirty-day treatment center. “Some places say the kids must be motivated before they take them” the probation officer pushed, and when they need help they need it now. The judge did the pushing.”

The law can also be helpful in insisting that a child take treatment seriously. Mr. Rockholz worked with a boy who had been warned three times before coming into his facility, “Either give us your drugs or flush them down the toilet yourself, but no drugs are allowed here.” When the boy arrived for his stay, he had two marijuana joints hidden in his socks, although he swore he was clean. “We called the cops and they arrested him,” he reports. “It had a profound impact on treatment. He knew we meant what we said, and he stuck with us.”

Even when a child is older and living on his own, the authority of the law can move him into treatment. Here’s how one parent succeeded.

A father had been getting enormous bills from the local furniture store because his son had been charging items and selling them to support his drug habit. Realizing that it is not always best to rescue your child, this man called the store and told the manager not to sell any more goods to his son. If he came in and attempted to charge anything, the manager should call the police.

One day the father received a call from the store manager, who said his son was there buying a sofa bed. The father simply said, “Call the police.” Then he went downtown and stood in the aisle as the police arrested his son and took him to be booked for unlawful use of a credit card. This event shook the young man so severely that it turned the tide. The court ordered him into treatment. Now, two years later, he’s living drug-free and is buying his household needs and everything else with cash.

Some parents threaten to bring their children to court as they used to threaten them with the bogeyman or the policeman. If you say, “I’m going to take you to court if you don’t straighten out,” be prepared for some uncomfortable times. Unless there is a crisis necessitating immediate action, the first appearance before a judge or with a probation officer is never satisfying, according to a Washington, D.C., counselor who works closely with the juvenile courts. In addition, the procedure after that first day in court or the probation office is likely to take months. Your child’s reaction may be to think, “It’s not such a big deal.” If you do make the move, you have to be prepared to follow through with constructive action during the lull. One boy had to stay home while his school soccer team went to play in Ireland. His parents were determined that life would not just drift along as usual. When he made his second appearance at the probation department, he was ready to follow the officer’s recommendation to see a counselor.

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One woman said the most difficult time for her was a Christmas celebration at her parents’ house that had traditionally involved wine for everyone. Her daughter had recently been discharged after three months in a rehabilitation facility, and there was to be no alcohol in any place she visited. The woman was faced with telling her own mother that this year they would all have to forgo the wine in deference to the girl’s needs. The mother was ashamed of what had happened to her daughter and had been tempted to keep up the denial until her daughter made it clear she would not come to dinner unless her grandmother was informed. You may be tempted to take the seemingly easy, silent way out with other relatives, too, but it is often not the best way.

Then there are friends and neighbors who will be curious. “Where’s Danny these days?” “Where does Mary go? We don’t see her around anymore.”

Whether you are dealing with grandparents, other relatives, friends, or neighbors, those who work with drug- and alcohol-abusing youngsters say you should:

? Be honest—or at least as honest as you can be. One woman didn’t tell her ninety-year-old mother who lived in another town “because it would destroy her.” But if there are no health restrictions, openness is best. For family sanity, the more the broad outlines are known, the easier it will be. Says a California mother, “I’m handling my parents the same way I handle my friends. I find the more open I am, the more responsive they are.”
? Be clear that help (if asked for) is welcome, but interference is not.
? Be prepared for a rocky shakedown period. Some people will be understanding, some will not. A woman told a dinner-table companion about her son and was told, “If he was my son, I’d bash his head through the wall.” You will discover who stands by you in adversity.
? Be proud if your child is going for help. If you are ashamed, how can your child feel good about the difficult, constructive steps he is taking?

Even if your child is not in treatment, your openness can make a difference. Relatives who know what’s going on can be valuable backups. As one couple literally pushed their son out the door after he had repeatedly refused to stop using drugs, they said, “You can’t come home. But you can call Uncle George.” Then they changed the locks on the front door. The boy did call his uncle within a week and said he was ready for treatment. Then the uncle called the parents, saying, “Don’t be surprised and don’t yell or scream. We’re bringing him back.” The uncle had succeeded where the parents could not.

Relatives are not always this supportive. Old wounds and rivalries are sometimes reawakened when a family’s mythical view of itself is shaken. “The rest of the family does a marvelous tiptoe act,” says the mother of a drug-abusing son. Her husband is one of eight children who had an alcoholic father, “I tell my sisters-in-law that their kids have as much of a change of being hooked as mine. But they really don’t want to know.”

Grandparents, too, may deny or may use this situation as a way to continue old patterns. One mother who had always been critical of her daughter said, “How could you be such a lousy parent?” And when her grandson was in treatment, “How could you send him to that terrible place?” She was critical of her grandchild, too. There are times when it is best to stay out of firing range until you are better able to deal with attacks such as these.

Here are some suggestions for getting beyond the barrier:

• ? Learn from your child. Ask for information: “Could you tell me more about that?” “What is that?” Keep the conversation going.
• ? Don’t ask, “Why did you do it?” In all probability your child doesn’t know and you’ll simply be putting him in an impossible spot. Many of us don’t know why we do some of the things we do.

A parent has to avoid putting the teenager on the defensive, and that isn’t easy. Many counselors who work with youngsters have learned to avoid certain approaches that tend to lead nowhere. They do not:

? Accuse (“You’re lying and you know it!”).
? Label (“You’re a pothead”).
? Belittle friends (“They’re a bunch of losers”).

Instead, they become allies, by listening or by saying, in effect, “I understand that you want to do what your friends do. I’m concerned. What can we do?”

If you suspect that your child is using drugs, what is there to say? Some parents have begun by talking about themselves and their own daredevil behavior or their own experimentation whey they were growing up. This diminishes the “us against them” attitude that pits parents against teenagers. Other parents begin by referring to an article in the paper about an accident caused by drinking and driving or a DWI arrest. Or they may come up with something on the drinking age or school and community policy or legal issues. Others come right out with it by talking about themselves and how upset they feel now that they know that their child is drinking too much or using illicit drugs.

The experts disagree about the best way to get your child to an assessment interview or into treatment. Some say, ‘She has to come willingly”; others say, “Use every trick you can think of if that’s the only way.” Here is a checklist of alternatives for you to consider for your own child:

1. Give him an ultimatum that he must go for help or be confined to home. One father told his son he couldn’t go out the door until he went with him first to the local counseling center. The boy was petulant and angry, but he knew the only way out of the house was to go with his father. If you use this method, be sure you not only mean what you say, but are able to carry it out.
2. Withdraw any and all financial support—allowances, chores that are rewarded with cash, cash presents, etc. (The danger here is that your child may start dealing in drugs to get money.)
3. Impose strict sanctions. When asked what she would do if her child flatly refused help, Carol Burner (whose daughter had a drug problem) said, “Then we’ll make it as rough as possible at home. We’ll take away any belongings of value. We will ensure that they only go out to attend school and we will alert the school to the problem. If they get busted, we’ll let them spend a night in jail. If they run away, we will report them no the police. If they’re old enough to support themselves and insist on using drugs, our home will be closed to them. In short, we will only support a desire for help, not dope.”
4. Get help for yourself so you can act more forcefully. A counselor says, “Many of the parents we see practice ‘crossed-finger parenting.’ They try something and hope it will work. We give them back their parenting power and show them how they can get their child to come in.” Formal intervention, in which a counselor, the family, and friends meet with the drug abuser and present him or her with objective evidence of the harm the dependency is causing, is less common for teenagers. However, it can be very successful with young adults and is described in detail in Vernon Johnson’s book Intervention: How to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help.

Sometimes parents have to use desperate measures. A mother tricked her child into joining a treatment program by telling him they were going to look for a secondhand television set. Once inside the unmarked building, he was whisked back to an interview room. A father captured his daughter and drove her to the hospital after “I tried everything. She had been drinking since she was fourteen and couldn’t stop. At fifteen she was failing in school, not coming home nights. A school counselor told me about an inpatient program. I talked to them and we decided that was where she belonged. My son and I went to get her at school without telling her, and found her already outside, cutting classes. My son raced her down an alley, caught her, and forced her into the car. She’s now been sober for three months.”

Although these drastic, controversial approaches are not for everyone, they should be considered if you are stuck. You may have to act while your child is still reluctant, and the time when he is finally motivated to change may not come until treatment has been going on for some time. When a child is using drugs or alcohol he cannot make clear decisions in his own best interest.

• ? To help your child live a drug-free life. The general attitude, says Dr. David Smith of the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic, is that “once a person has crossed the boundary into uncontrollable use, she/he may never return to controlled use. It’s as if one catches the disease for which abstinence is the cure.”
• ? To help your child grow into a different person, with a better set of values and a new self-image. (Sometimes more extensive therapy is necessary to achieve this goal once the drug is out of the picture.)
• ? To help the family function more effectively.

Inpatient programs traditionally have been twenty-one to twenty-eight days long, based on the adult model developed for the treatment of alcohol abuse. Although some insurance plans cover this type of treatment program, most managed care plans do not. An average stay today is usually two weeks. Treatment may be in a hospital (psychiatric or general) or a separate facility, and the doors may be locked or unlocked. They usually include detoxification (medically supervised withdrawal from the drug), if this is necessary. They are professionally staffed and include individual and group counseling and education about drug and alcohol abuse as well as the reestablishment of general good health with facilities for exercise and physical fitness. A child who needs this kind of setting is not necessarily sicker then one who doesn’t—he may just have different requirements. Youngsters with underlying psychiatric disorders may need hospital treatment so that both the depression, for example, and drug abuse can be addressed. Unfortunately, treatment time is often based on length of insurance coverage. Most facilities either provide continuing groups for their “graduates” or refer them to easily accessible outpatient care. Some go on to halfway houses where recovering youngsters live in a supervised setting until they are ready to return home.

Therapeutic communities provide long-term (eighteen months to two years) residential treatment using “boot camp” confrontational techniques and positive peer pressure. Some of the earlier harsh methods have been toned down and made more supportive, but staffing is still largely by recovering addicts who know what the story is and don’t fall for rationalizations. Mutual self-help, public criticism, and self-criticism characterize the approach. Time is tightly structured, and youngsters learn by living that it is possible to get through a drug-free day. The program, in essence, gives them a second chance at childhood, carefully guided and with strict but supportive substitute parents. Some well-established therapeutic communities are Daytop Village and Phoenix House, which have treatment centers in New York, California, and Texas. When you are investigating an inpatient facility of whatever type, you should:

? Be nosy. Ask questions at the facility and in the community in which it operates. What do people say about it? What do they think of the youngsters who go there?
? Not sign anything unless you are absolutely sure you have found the right place.
? Consider carefully if you are asked to pay anything in advance. Most places will accept insurance for at least part of the cost. If you are in a managed care program, check for what your plan does or does not cover.
? By wary if the common prohibition against parent-child phone calls, letters, and private meetings goes on for more than the first one or two months. Isolation from the family is often called for in the early phase of treatments, but reintegration into the family is usually one of the goals of the later phases.

This letting go should be gentle. A parent does not have to abandon the child or drop him with a thud—no matter how old he is. Letting go means gentle release, with love, perhaps even support of one kind or another.

If the addiction continues or keeps recurring, you must realize that no matter what you do, you cannot make the difference. A New York psychotherapist tells parents of adults who are hooked on cocaine or crack to view the addiction as a terminal disease. “It follows an inexorable course and we really don’t know how to deal with it very well.” He says. “If parents can see it this way, they aren’t so bitter and they can accept their own helplessness. They can also understand the helplessness of their child.”

Even when things aren’t this bad, parents often hold on too long. It’s almost a reflex action to try to protect the twenty-nine-year-old as you did the nine-year-old. A successful lawyer views with amused tolerance his mother who still asks him each time they’re about to get into the car for a long ride, “Do you want to go to the bathroom, dear?”

If you are still too deeply immersed in the problems of your drug-using child, you have to decide just how much you can or should do. If you can’t persuade or threaten your child into getting help, you can still disengage and get help for yourself. This sends several messages. One is that you care. Another is that you are not defeated by life. For a young adult who feels helpless and defeated by the power of drug addiction, your behavior can provide a powerful model. Even if your grown-up “kid” is not talking to you, you remain a special person in his life, and it’s important for him to know he is not destroying you and you believe human beings can change. This can give him hope that there is a change for him, too.

For no clear reason, many adolescents and young people grow out of certain behaviors, including the use of psychoactive drugs. Certain ages bring certain behaviors with really out of the no-saying years, the rebellious adolescent grows out of his perilous risk-taking. If he makes it to the age of thirty, he may also grow out of excessive consumption of alcohol and, perhaps, other drugs. This has been true of many of the young people who used marijuana in the fifties and sixties. Many stopped with very little or no prodding and without professional help. Marriage often makes the difference. A 1997 study by researchers at the University of Michigan showed that marijuana use dropped by more than one-third and cocaine use dropped by one-half after young adults got married.

Dr. David Smith, founder and director of the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic in San Francisco, says “We have done interviews with a nonabuse population. A significant number report that marijuana was a phase in their lives and say that the alternative to use is not necessarily treatment, but some other drug-free phase. They have given up drugs on their own and are now committed to good nutrition, the peace movement, and rearing families.” He says also that in general, kids who experiment grow out of it; kids who become addicted do not, and may get worse as they get older.

Since there’s no telling what the long run may hold for your particular child (and the popularity of and easy access to crack and methamphetamine have made addiction much more likely than it was in the sixties), you cannot dismiss your child’s drug use as a phase.

Identifying areas that have led to family discord and straightening out such matters as curfews, mealtimes, and chore assignments can minimize the conflict. Hammering out a contract, whether or not the family is in some sort of group therapy, can teach your children that a dispute can be handled by all members speaking out, exploring the problem jointly, and finally coming to a compromise. If a parent imposes his ideas on everyone else without a discussion, children are left dissatisfied and angry. “I’m the boss here,” said one father. “I earn the money—this is my home—and what I say goes! Don’t you forget it!” This kind of rigidity will almost surely turn kids off and invite rebellion. Here is a sample for you to use as a framework for devising your own contract. Keep in mind that even young children can assume responsibilities. A family may not be a democracy, but neither is it a dictatorship, and dialogue is essential. Let everyone help create this document so it will have meaning for all, like a family construction project.

SAMPLE FAMILY CONTRACT

Dates during which contract is to be in force:

Parents and children will:

1. Not physically or verbally abuse one another.
2. Be as honest as possible with each other.
3. Not judge one another harshly.
4. Arrange a family discussion or ask that one be arranged so that any part of this contract can be changed.

Children will:

1. Help with the household chores. (Chores are to be enumerated here. They will depend on living arrangements, age of the child, and number of siblings living at home and will include such items as laundry, garbage, pet care, lawn care, dishwashing, preparations for school or work, etc.)
2. Not use any drug (not prescribed by a physician) or smoke or drink any alcoholic beverage if they are below the legal age.
3. Observe agreed-upon curfews. (Curfews should be set in accordance with the age of the child.)
4. Attend therapy sessions if these have been agreed upon.

Parents will:

1. Attend family therapy sessions if these are part of a treatment plan.
2. Monitor their own use of tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, or other mood-altering substances.

Consequences of breaking contract:

1. One trespass will lead to a family conference.
2. Two trespasses will lead to the family meeting with a counselor to determine specific consequences. (Remember that grounding an angry teenager can be harder on the people with whom he lives than on the person confined to the house.)

When parents recognize their own trespasses, they certainly should being them up for discussion. Again, keep in mind that you as a parent are a person with certain standards and needs. Your child has to learn albeit at his or her own pace, that you are not perfect, you are vulnerable, and you, too, have feelings that may be expressed.

If formality is your style, when the contract has been agreed upon, it can be signed by all concerned.

Across the country, many parent groups provide information, emotional support, and community action aimed at stemming the flood of alcohol and drug abuse among young people. If peer pressure works to push teenagers into drug use, parental peer pressure can also provide a united front against such activities. No matter how clear you are about rules and regulations, you will have a hard you see that you are not alone and provide concrete suggestions for dealing with common problems. Meetings are often announced in local newspapers, and some are sponsored by schools and churches.

GETTING A PARENT GROUP STARTED

If there is no parent group in your area, you can start one with the help of other concerned parents. One community began a group that now meets regularly in a youth center by placing an ad in the local paper. It read: “ATTENTION, PARENTS! Share your concerns with other parents of preteens and teens. Join a parent-support group. For more information call . . .”

A group in Berkeley, California, was organized initially to raise awareness about drugs, but it then went on to other things. The group got the neighborhood high school to inform parents immediately when children cut class and raised enough money for a full-page ad in their local newspaper. This one said, “We think Berkeley youth have a drug problem,” and was signed by school administrators, judges, and others who deal with kids. “Once they signed,” says a founding mother, “they couldn’t back down later and say there’s no problem.” National organizations such as PRIDE (National Parents’ Resource Institute for Drug Education) can help you organize and provide you with educational materials. These support groups are not “therapy groups.” Nor are they necessarily for parents whose children are in deep trouble. By joining one, you’re not saying you are sick, bad, or weak, or have a “freaky” child. You are saying only that you are concerned, and intelligent enough to do something about it.

Groups vary a great deal. Some have professional leadership; others are basically self-help with no leader or rotating leaders. What is it like to join one? One mother whose son’s drug use was disrupting the lives of everyone close to him finally made the decision to go alone to her local group. “As I drove up to the house,” she recalls, “I kept hoping I’d come to the wrong address and this would turn out to be a Tupperware party.” Once she was welcomed, she found she had a lot in common with the other member. They, too, had children who were involved with drugs or alcohol. They, too, were in great distress, feeling anxious, guilty, and frustrated.

In one group a father said he would never understand why he got so angry with his fourteen-year-old daughter that he hit her on the arm and gave her a huge black-and-blue mark. He was near tears. Another group member immediately reassured him saying he had done exactly the same thing to his own twelve-year-old daughter, then added, “There are times when it is just about impossible to control your anger, particularly after a child has been warned many times that coming in after nine o’clock on week nights is unacceptable.”

Such fathers are unusual. Support groups are generally made up of mothers only—not surprising when we look at who goes for help in our society. In a support group, whether made up of fathers, mothers, or a combination, you will get some practical answers to questions such as “What do I say when my kid uses foul language?” (“That’s easy,” said one mother. “He’s off the basketball team.”) “What can I do? I’m in a real bind. My kid delivers newspapers. He owes the company seventy dollars. He collected the money from customers and used it for God knows what. If I don’t fork over the money, he’s going to be in real trouble.” (“He is in real trouble,” another mother said, “Let him see what the real world is about—he sells his drums, quick.”)

Support groups not only provide information, understanding, and practical advice, but they also give parents an opportunity to know the parents of their child’s friends and exchange phone numbers. Then they can make rules and policies together to strengthen the network and take action.

When faces with several treatment options, paying attention to these factors will help you make an intelligent decision:

? Your child’s age and maturity.
? Whether he or she suffers from depression or some other psychiatric disorder in addition to drug abuse. In professional parlance, this is called a “dual diagnosis” and may require treatment in a psychiatric hospital.
? Whether the treatment that is recommended is available in your area and is affordable.
? Whether insurance covers all or part of the costs. In this day of managed care, outpatient treatment, which is least expensive, may be the most realistic alternative. Some managed care programs require that a child first go through outpatient care unsuccessfully before moving to an inpatient setting. Often, inpatient care lasts just two days for stabilization and detoxification. Most insurance policies do not cover long-term residential care. Within the last five years, the emphasis on brief treatment and outpatient programs has played a part in forcing the closing of almost half the inpatient treatment centers in this country.
? Whether your child can stay drug-free at home and resist destructive peer pressure.

The most expensive help is not necessarily the best, and even with professional guidance you will want to do some comparison shopping.

Above all, you must be honest about your child. If your son is a long-haired streetwise kid, he may get along poorly with a business-suited psychotherapist and may do best with a storefront streetworker. On the other hand, sometimes a tough kid will need the structure of a formal office setting. If your child is the serious intellectual type, he may need an approach that emphasizes learning how to think about what is happening and why. This is called “cognitive therapy.” A child who has long-standing psychological problems needs a setting that can deal with more than just the drug usage. A user who has disturbed his body chemistry with illicit substances needs an inpatient medical facility. A child who is what a counselor called a “brat” (irresponsible, uncontrollable, impulsive) will probably do best in a therapeutic community that provides a rigid structure and education on how to relate to others. It’s important that you look as clearly as possible at the kind of child you have rather than the kind of child you wish you had, and fit the child to the treatment.

One mother whose son has abused “every drug but alcohol” visited a treatment center that required patients to live behind locked doors. “It looked seedy and dirty and I knew it wasn’t for us,” she says. She found another place in her own city that provided all-day care but let her son come home at night. Another parent, desperate to find a place her angry, rebellious son would accept, chose a facility from a brochure. “I thought he’d like it because he likes sunshine, and there were palm trees and beautiful grounds,” she says. It was thousands of miles from home, and her son ran away the first month he was there.