You probably felt reasonably sure that when your soon or daughter left for college or moved away, your household would be your own. It’s a real shock when this child, for what ever reason, turns up on your doorstep and expects to be welcomed back. Today, many adults are returning home for financial reasons, sometimes bringing all their worldly goods and their families, too. Many come home because drugs have caught up with them and they have no place else to go.

One cocaine-addicted young man came home to his parents after his wife threw him out. The son asked for money, the use of the car, and a place to stay “until I find a job.” Even though he had done this before, hi parents’ first impulse was to accept him, but they steeled themselves, finally realizing that the most helpful thing they could do was to say no. They let him know that they considered him an adult and would no longer support him even though they were on his side, and that he could no longer lean on them.

If your grown child is still part of the drug scene and wants to move in, the answer should be a definite no. you’re only helping the illness to progress if you supply shelter on demand. As an alternative, you can help him or her find a job or housing elsewhere with the understanding that treatment begin at the same time. If you give in and allow this adult child to infringe on your rights, you and the others with whom you live are in for a lot of strife.

If your child is in treatment or has completed treatment and needs a secure haven in which to recover, the situation is different. Providing comfort and love and reducing financial pressures can make a difference in the long-term outcome. But adjustments must be made on both sides.

If you have a good relationship with your recovering child and are afraid to rock the boat, you will still need to talk about what happened so the child doesn’t transmit the illness to the next generation and you can get rid of some of your own hostile feelings. “You will live less scared,” said one counselor.

Alice is an only child who used drugs and alcohol for a decade and finally went into a hospital for treatment “that worked” when she was twenty-seven years old. She had lived in another part of the country for years but now lives at home and says, “I think about what stupid things I did. How I hurt my parents. A lot of things I didn’t want to do, I want to do now—staying home, cooking dinner.”

Her parents are still protective. “It takes every ounce of strength they’ve got not to say, ‘Where are you going? When will you be back?’” But, she says, “I tell them, ‘You can’t do everything for me.’” Alice has a part-time job, and resists suggestions that she work full-time because she isn’t ready for that. She’s learned to speak up. “It’s amazing how childlike you can get when you talk to your parents,” she says, “and how different it is when you talk adult to adult.”